May 7, 2008...4:32 am
My Way
by Alexis Orth
My sister told me, “If you were only dating this guy and not married to him, you’d've dumped him by now.” I’m pretty sure I cried my eyes out at least every other day during my first marriage, at the age of 21. That 14 month period was the hardest time of my life. I remember telling God at the beginning of the whole mess, “God, I don’t want to hear what you have to say about this. I’m doing this my way.” I remember my mom’s tearful look as she said, “He’s not even a Christian.” And my hateful (and not so truthful) reply of, “Well, he’s working on it.”
We got married after 3 months of dating. We worked at the same job and were going to be sent out to Vegas for a couple of weeks. We decided late one night that we would get married when we got there. I couldn’t keep it from my family and even though they knew what horror I was potentially opening myself up to, they supported me and asked me to consider having a big wedding in my hometown. Long story short: great wedding, lots of friends & love, terrible marriage, no friends & abuse.
I really wasn’t able to make friends after I got married because anyone I would look at or talk to became the subject of our blowout fight. I learned to walk with my head up but my eyes down. Even as a passenger in the car, I had to keep my eyes on myself or the dash. We’d fight for days because of his jealous mind. Holes began to appear in our thin apartment walls. But after the screaming, he was really good at saying ’sorry’ and I was really good at crying in a fetal position and accepting his apologies.
I looked in the mirror and saw the truth–I had given all control to him, his cocaine, my cigarettes, LSD, drinking, pot… these were the rudders that steered us from day to day. He threatened to crash the car with us in it because he said I was cheating on him. He would examine my grocery receipts for the time and if he thought I had taken too long, he said I was cheating on him. He would tear things off the walls because I was cheating. He broke the shower door with me in the shower because I was cheating.
He had to drink more, smoke more, snort more, all because he said I was cheating. He’d examine my clothes, my body, everything, because he said I was cheating. The day before my birthday, while I was at work, he took the credit card to a strip club and put $400 worth of cocaine on it. I saw the receipt! We had the police called on us twice because of fights in our apartment. The cops made sure I wasn’t being beaten and had to leave without really helping because I would tell them to go, saying that we were fine. Our neighbors in the complex made sad faces, pitying me, and I always turned away, too embarrassed to say ‘help me’.
He would not work after our job ended. He would not let anyone in too close to us. He would yell at me for days and I just kept shrinking back. Even when I started going to church again, he would pick me up and drop me off and we would fight because he said I was cheating.
Is it pretty clear that I’m telling the G rated version of this adventure? I hope it’s also clear that I never cheated. I really loved that man. Crazy, right? But I really did, certainly enough not to cheat on him.
Church was the only thing I did that I said to myself was worth the fight I would endure. Finally, as I listened to the music, peace would come into the sanctuary and into my heart. I didn’t dare make friends there. In fact, I never even knew anyone’s name but I did come to my Father’s house and worship, listen to sermons, and got spiritually fed after starving myself for so long. God never threw in my face that I had been away, never threw in my face that I had chosen to serve my husband over Him. He never told me I couldn’t come to Him because I had worshiped my husband instead of Him. God just loved me when I looked to Him. He never yelled at me. Even though I had given everything that was rightfully God’s over to a man, God didn’t point out my faults. He didn’t step back from me when I came close. He called me! He actually called me! He reminded me that I was His child, no matter what. He reminded me that someone was praying for me. Can you believe it? I told God I didn’t care what He thought, and He told me I love you!
He loved me. He loved me. My husband didn’t. It was hard to admit.
If you’ve ever been through this, you know that your family and friends take a big step back from you. When I said ‘yes’ to abuse, it was too painful for everyone who really loved me to watch. It’s too much to see your daughter, your sister, your friend cry that much, be yelled at, shut herself off from everything except the abuse. Don’t get me wrong; my family was great. They accepted him with smiles and love, they celebrated birthdays, Christmas, Easter, they told him they loved him. They did everything to support us in our marriage. My sister was my biggest help. But when the party’s over, when just the two of you go back to that empty house, that’s when the screaming begins all over again. I felt so embarrassed to tell my family, my oldest friends what was going on. I couldn’t let them know the truth and I couldn’t be close to them.
After the biggest fight we ever had, completely loaded, but scared into sober thinking, I ran out from the house. I left because he told me for the first time, “I want to hit you.” I didn’t take anything, I just ran. He started circling the block in our car. I called 911 from a pay phone, told them I was being chased, and told them I was running to my grandma’s house. I hung up and kept running. I made it to Grandma’s, told her the truth for the first time in a long time and she and my aunt calmed me down. I’m sure one of them called the police when he roared up into the driveway. He was screaming on the front lawn and the cops came and took him. I remember yelling at him, “Tell them you’re CRAZY!” So scared, so angry. They told me they’d have to let him go after 14 hours and boy, that was 14 hours of pure rest for me, more than I had gotten in a long time. He came to my grandma’s after being released and told me that if I didn’t give him his ring back, I’d never see him again (I had taken it earlier so that he wouldn’t pawn it). And I loved him still. I gave him that ring and actually feared as he drove off that it was over! We decided over the phone to separate for a few weeks. I finally let my family and close friends in again. With the help of my best friend since 6th grade and my dad, I moved out of the apartment. All I remember is how nice they were to me after I had been stupid for so long. They never threw in my face that I needed therapy, that I was now a statistic, that I had let him…; they were simply funny and kind and helped me leave.
I moved back to my hometown and started to see a Christian counselor. I was so unsure; I didn’t know whether to stay married or separated or divorced… She made it plain and said, “Well, if you decide to keep being abused then you’ll stay in your marriage. If you decide to stop being abused, you’ll get out.” That was it. That was the revelation I needed. I got out. I went back to my hometown church, and God, again, was gracious and welcomed me. He really loved me. I began the slow painful process of apologizing to my friends and family for all the lies and pain. I began to get myself and my life back. I began the metamorphosis from the mouse I had become back into the victorious child of God I am. I stepped out of the hardest time of my life. God had kept me safe through the circumstances I put myself into and made sure I made it out alive. It’s ten years later and I am now married to an awesome Christian man who loves God just as I do. He is my best friend. We each put God first in our marriage. I’m free from cigarettes, pot, acid, abuse & more. I have even moved to the place of healing where I have really, truly forgiven myself and my ex-husband. I no longer fear him coming out of the shadows. What a relief! I have gone from night to day. I have told the Lord, “Your way, not mine.” I am saved!
Alexis Orth is the team leader of prop design for WYSIWYG’s next feature film “Gravity.”
1 Comment
May 7, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for telling us how much better it is to do things God’s way. I did the same thing as you. Although I knew better than to do so, I became involved with someone who did not know the Lord. I was spared a bad marriage but I did spend two years of my life suffering through a totally bad situation that left me believing no one would ever love me. At times I felt I was not even worthy of love. But God is faithful. It still overwhelms me everyday to to know that I am now married to a man who loves the Lord and loves me. God is good to us. We just have to submit to him. His way is the best way, it is the only way to go.
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